It’s my favorite time of year: there’s a chill in the air, Dunkin’ is doing something unconscionable with pumpkin spice munchkins, and … the horny singles are congregating at Playa Escondida? This is all wrong. I’m worried about the migration patterns of the elusive influencer and insurance-rep-slash-aspiring-influencer. The Bachelor in Paradise premiere date has been creeping later each year, and it simply isn’t natural. BiP is the epitome of summer programming. I should be enjoying the mess with a margarita in hand after spending the day pickling myself in a vacation house pool. Depending on how many episodes air this season — the average is around 10, but last year we got 16 — we could be watching our favorite Hot Girls and himbos frolic in the sand while a couple of channels over ABC Family is airing its 25 Days of Christmas. Is there anything we can do to restore the natural order? A telethon? Gal Gadot does the “Imagine” thing again? Please, I’m desperate! I’m writing this recap while wearing a jean jacket and sipping a hot chai latte! This feels obscene!
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I am only this passionate because I care deeply about this ridiculous show. I’ve mentioned before that Bachelor in Paradise is my favorite iteration of the Bachelor franchise, and I’m reminded of why that is right out of the gate. We get a new intro of the cast dancing to the Flashdance theme. It goes on a little too long, and they don’t entirely sell it, which makes this show so damn charming. I’m assuming that next week, we’ll go back to the “Almost Paradise” sitcom-style intros, and I can’t wait to see what silly, self-referential poses producers talked their charges into striking.
With that goofy tone set, Jesse’s here to welcome us to THE SADDEST, GREYEST BEACH I’VE EVER SEEN. Was it a particularly overcast day that they didn’t have time to reshoot? Was it too expensive to recolor the sky? Is that just what Playa Escondida looks like when it’s deserted? It’s not a particularly welcoming vibe, but perhaps that’s more appropriate for what’s to come. Jesse once again informs us that one couple gets married on the beach, which he’s been teasing since Charity’s Men Tell All. I’m now predicting it’s a fake out, and another Bachelor Nation couple comes down to the beach to televise their wedding. Why get married in the presence of family and friends when you could do it on TV surrounded by acquaintances in bathing suits?
Now it’s time to (re)meet the contestants! First up — we all knew it was coming — Rachel Recchia is here looking wistfully at a rose. It wasn’t until she quipped, “Oh, sorry, I just do that sometimes now,” that I realized she was trying to look like she was leading a rose ceremony. I thought she was just sad about her final rose recipient cheating on her. Loyal readers know how I feel about former show leads returning — anti! — so I won’t go into my rant right now. Just know that whenever I talk about Rachel I think, “She shouldn’t even be here!!!!” the whole time.
Next, we see Brayden shopping for statement jewelry and doing yoga. He promises he didn’t like how he came across during Charity’s season, but he’s grown. God, I hope so, because I’m tired of defending this man, whose biggest crime is usually just being obnoxious, but somehow I doubt it.
Now it’s time to re-introduce Kylee, who’s most notable for being sent home over Zoom when Zach Shallcross got COVID. That was, I’m sure, humiliating, but Kylee will bounce back and become, as her chyron so helpfully indicates, a hot commodity. But Kylee lets us know that she only has eyes for Aven, who has been liking her selfies. She says they haven’t spoken, outside of Aven sending her a fire emoji on a particularly effective thirst trap, but she would be ready to marry him at the end of Paradise. Oh, you sweet summer child. Don’t you know that naive vulnerability will be weaponized against you in the name of good television? I’m glad she told us this, though. Often, we find out weeks into the show that two people have been talking outside of the show, which completely changes the dynamic on the beach. It’s unreasonable to expect that no one communicates when not on my TV screen, but it is relevant information and I would like to know what’s going on in the DMs!
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